When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
