Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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