i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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