The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
