White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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