So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
