it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
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the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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