You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
