I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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