I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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