im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
