how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
