I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
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I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
how does that bad decision feel?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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