how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
