thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
