WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
