Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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