How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
