this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
whose parrot is this?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
