I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
