I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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