it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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