I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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