Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
