you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love you. Go after that dick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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