Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
