turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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