I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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