Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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