I cut my penus on the lid.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
