I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
