I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
