I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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