Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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