I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
