Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
