Welp...herpes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
