sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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