Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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