I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
