Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's rum buckets o'clock
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
