Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
