So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
