There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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