do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am available for nakedness
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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