3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize