oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
