Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
