Cold hands, warm shart.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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