it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
