You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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