The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
