every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
