I wish I could teleport
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
