the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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