another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
