Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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