I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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