i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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